Greetings Ladies and Gentlemen of the Lakes Area! Today I must tell you of the most harrowing experience I had while on the job for Our Neck of the Woods (ahem, or should I say, Great Northern News).
I was down at the mini donuts stand in Nisswa, working on my latest review. You wouldn’t believe how generous people are with their mini donuts, especially when they don’t know they’re giving them away. I like to say that I give people the gift of their own generosity- and they don’t even know just how generous they are! In order to give you an honest review, of course, I had to try many donuts.
And, if I had the time, I would tell you about how delicious the mini donuts are, and how you must go get some before the summer ends. But no, instead, tragedy struck.
It was like it happened in slow motion. There I was, calmly preparing to nibble on a passerby’s donut, when I heard the dark, foreshadowing whinny of the nearby horses. Action Entertainment, of course, was providing their usual Wednesday stagecoach rides, and the coach was about to leave. The horses whinnied, the carriage creaked to life and the huge wooden wheels began to turn… and turn they did. Right onto my tail.
The pain! The anguish! Ladies and gentlemen it was such as you have never seen or experienced! All raccoons know that their tails are their pride and joy. I personally wash mine in the river and fluff it dry several times a day. A raccoon is only as refined as his tail stripes, that’s what I say. You can imagine my horror- and my rage- when I saw that my tail had been so brutally marred.
No, it wasn’t broken (though I insisted on a life-flight and CAT scan to ensure there was no damage). Still, the pain and suffering I had endured required some serious compensation, as I’m sure you’ll agree. Sure, Action Entertainment paid my medical expenses, but really we all know that I deserved more. And since, you know, business has been so good at Our Neck-- I mean, Great Northern News (of which I am a faithful contributor and subscriber), Action Entertainment and I came to the mutually beneficial agreement that I take part ownership in the newspaper. My first order of business as a new owner was to change the name. And hence, we shall be known from here on out as Great Northern News. Watch out for our name change, and don’t worry- next issue I’ll get back to my fabulous food reviews.
I was down at the mini donuts stand in Nisswa, working on my latest review. You wouldn’t believe how generous people are with their mini donuts, especially when they don’t know they’re giving them away. I like to say that I give people the gift of their own generosity- and they don’t even know just how generous they are! In order to give you an honest review, of course, I had to try many donuts.
And, if I had the time, I would tell you about how delicious the mini donuts are, and how you must go get some before the summer ends. But no, instead, tragedy struck.
It was like it happened in slow motion. There I was, calmly preparing to nibble on a passerby’s donut, when I heard the dark, foreshadowing whinny of the nearby horses. Action Entertainment, of course, was providing their usual Wednesday stagecoach rides, and the coach was about to leave. The horses whinnied, the carriage creaked to life and the huge wooden wheels began to turn… and turn they did. Right onto my tail.
The pain! The anguish! Ladies and gentlemen it was such as you have never seen or experienced! All raccoons know that their tails are their pride and joy. I personally wash mine in the river and fluff it dry several times a day. A raccoon is only as refined as his tail stripes, that’s what I say. You can imagine my horror- and my rage- when I saw that my tail had been so brutally marred.
No, it wasn’t broken (though I insisted on a life-flight and CAT scan to ensure there was no damage). Still, the pain and suffering I had endured required some serious compensation, as I’m sure you’ll agree. Sure, Action Entertainment paid my medical expenses, but really we all know that I deserved more. And since, you know, business has been so good at Our Neck-- I mean, Great Northern News (of which I am a faithful contributor and subscriber), Action Entertainment and I came to the mutually beneficial agreement that I take part ownership in the newspaper. My first order of business as a new owner was to change the name. And hence, we shall be known from here on out as Great Northern News. Watch out for our name change, and don’t worry- next issue I’ll get back to my fabulous food reviews.
